The Last Day

Of 2017.

Once again, I never thought I'd be so happy to see another year end. I seem to be collecting bad years like gnarly wood beads on a strand of jute. Where are my pearls? While having the last very bad for me breakfast of the year, I thought about a young man I'd met way back at university. He was nice and he liked me. I didn't listen to my gut to get to know him better. We probably would have hit it off, fallen in love, gotten married, and had a family. I should have listened to me. For so many years I haven't listened to me. I've missed out on so many opportunities because I did not listen to me. Because of doing what was expected of me, doing what others thought I should be doing, focusing on the well-being of others before myself. While doing that, I'd lost, myself. It was a long road to find me again.

For a very long time I did not look at myself in the mirror. Not because I thought I was ugly but that I didn't deserve to be seen. I was no one. I'd put up a good front, I was the one people counted on but inside I was dying. I ran to someplace new but the ghosts followed me. There was a time that for four years I didn't create a thing. I did nothing that had once sparked a bit of happiness. No sewing, no doll making, no painting, no writing, nothing. I blamed others for what was lacking in me and my life, and I beat myself up on a regular basis. The constant beat down I gave myself would have any world class boxer run for the hills. A good friend asked me if I would speak to anyone on the street the way I spoke to myself.  That one question made me stop and think. I did not. I did not verbally abuse anyone I'd met on the street but I did it to myself. That's when I started to look at myself in the mirror.

It was hard. The first day I only got a glance. I was ashamed, afraid, angry, alone. It was a week before I could look at myself for longer than five seconds at a time. Every morning, I'd made myself look at me. Then there was the morning when I could look at me and not flinch, or cave in, or cry. I saw the me that other people see when they meet me. I wasn't bad looking. I accepted what the universe had given me. I liked what I saw in the mirror.

Once I found me, it took everything to hold onto me. That fight just didn't let up. Things got better but the struggle was very real. The horrible life loop continued. We are good at remembering every single bad thing that has happened to us but rarely do we remember the good things. No matter how big or small. It's the bad that is front and center. The drama. The soul sucking chaos. At first I didn't think that there was anything good that had ever happened to me. And that wasn't true. There were good times and good people. Lots of them. Those I will write down and read when things get bad.

So where am I going with this?

I get one chance to be on this third rock from the sun. ONE. I have spent a good bit of half a century trying to figure things out. It may not happen and that is okay. I will work at it. But... no more should haves or could haves or would haves. No more wasting time on the past because that's what it is, past. I can't change it. I don't have a time machine. I will continue to be a warrior for justice and protect those who cannot protect themselves. It is time for me to make a change. No more excuses. I do it or I don't. My decisions, my choices. What is going to make Wendy sing and dance? I'm finally listening to my gut and will follow my heart. Will it be easy? Heck no! Will it ruffle other people's feathers? Not my problem. But I am ready to find out. Ready to see what I am really made of. Be the wonderful, crazy, creative, adventurous person I know is waiting to be released.

I shall live long and prosper with the force that is with me. Happy New Year's Eve y'all!

Hello December -No Pic Post

I keep saying it. Time flies by whether you're having fun or not. We are into the last month of 2016. And even though the bulk of this year sucked like no one's business, I've decided to turn it around. Taking a look back, I have allowed things to happen to me, waited for things to happen to me and be thoroughly disappointed with the outcomes. If there were any. That hasn't been getting me anywhere I want to be. So instead of waiting for the New Year to make those goofy resolutions which pretty much don't work, I'm working on the change right now. No more living for others (I've probably said that before but it's finally clicking); it's time to start enjoying life. I only get one. At least on this plane of existence. I'm finally ready.

I can talk about things that have hurt me in the past without bursting into tears. Although, a good cry every now and again helps get all the toxins out that have built up. I am working on new projects and working on not worrying about things that I have no control over. It is what it is. Things happen. I can be so upset about those things, crawl under a rock and want to whither away or take a deep breath, see if I can fix things or wait for them to play out. I've got plans now. I'm not afraid to wake up and get my day started. I wake up, give thanks that I've been given another day, and get excited about what I will do.

Excited. I can't remember the last time I've been excited about things that I want to do and have started to do. I love getting back to my watercolor painting. Will it bring in money? I don't know. Maybe one day but right now, I'm learning to work the medium again so that I can get comfortable with it. When I paint, it relaxes me. For an hour I can forget everything else and paint. Then when I'm done, my head is clearer and I can do what really needs to be done. I'm learning that being busy all the time is not necessarily a good thing. Rushing to finish things because I think I'm running out of time. Maybe I am for a few things but my point is is that I'm beginning to enjoy the process. Starting with Step 1, then Step 2 and to not think about the final destination and that it should happen like in five minutes. I have been missing the process. And I tell you, when you take the time for the process of a project, you slow down. Our culture is so on a fast track for everything. But I was happiest when I created work when I enjoyed each step. Sometimes things worked, and sometimes they didn't. When they didn't, I didn't get upset. I reevaluated things and kept going. I'm getting back to that. Slowly but surely it's coming back and it feels great!

And I'm working on curbing the thinking. Sometimes I would think so much on a project that I would think myself into not doing anything. Then I'd beat myself up for not doing anything. Really bad cycle. I still have my lists but they are a lot shorter and if a project takes a little longer than the time I'd given, that's okay.  I'm okay. I am a work in progress and I like that. Growing is a part of living, of being human. And I'm smiling more.

After hitting rock bottom in October, pulling myself out of the hole of despair and self pity in November, I'm ready to rock it in December and 2017. Time to reach for those stars.

Still Here

I have actually been doing some things. I got more faces for my 29 Faces challenge done. I've been working on my short stories and the story for the upcoming NaNoWriMo in November. I cleared off a shelf on a bookcase to put what I will be writing on so I won't have to go look for it. I should take a pic of that shelf. Still downsizing and clearing out the apartment because it needs it. Been working on doll clothes patterns and went walking with a new friend, Kate. I told Kate that I was having a hard time getting into making things with air dry clay and she suggested that I do a personal challenge called 'Make it Suck!' Not expect anything great because I'm good at judging what I do as a beginner to what someone has been doing for years. Yes, make it suck and not have any notions of it looking like anything just practice with the clay. Sounds like a plan but I've got to finish one project first before I do that.

Where Do I Want To Be?

Good question. I started on this yesterday by making a comment. I'm all for making plans. I think I'm up into the 900's or something. Plans are good but lately, my plans have been pooped on by the Blue Bird of Happiness or the Pouter Pixie. I guess pixies poop. Whatever. Plan, plan, plan. List after list after list. This year it hasn't gotten me anywhere. So I stopped to think why. Did some reading. And then I found something. That was missing. Along with the happiness and contentment and other things along that line. I'd lost my sense of wonder. Everything that I did had to have a reason for doing it. I wasn't having fun. Now that I have a part-time job it has put some things into perspective.
Maybe I can't get my 'eye of the tiger' back because my wonder has gone away. I've stopped asking 'what if''. I mean, I do that when I'm writing but not with anything else.

We get one shot at being on this planet. I've decided that I''m not done yet. There are some things that I don't like right now but it isn't the end of the world. Even though the Sword of Damocles is still swinging a little. I'm totally missing my weird side. And... and the biggest thing of all...

ADVENTURE

Whether I'm going somewhere alone or with someone riding shotgun. Or creating a whole new world. Or beings. Painting a picture. Taking a walk in the woods. Seeing what the ice cream tastes like at the new food joint. Trying a new recipe or getting back to playing dress up.

That's it!

I am now officially on an adventure. Going to do something wild, crazy, and unusual. It will be a very strange adventure. Yep. That's it. See ya!

Plot Twist

There's a meme going around on Facebook that says something like, 'If life is not going the way you planned, call it a plot twist and keep going.' Not the exact words but that's how I'm feeling right now. I don't know what has been going on this month. My birthday month. The month I had such promise of nice things and it kind of went the route of a poopy diaper. After a month, the AC in my studio was finally fixed but now everything I'd been working on is off track and I'm trying to get things back on the rails. And it's been a slow month for longarming but I've been hanging in there with the 30 day challenge. I believe I can keep it up once the 30 days are up. We shall see. What was a 30 day challenge is morphing into a bona fide project. A large one that will be in progress for some time to come. The cool thing is that I'm ready for that challenge. Scary? Yes. But I'm feeling this down in my soul to keep going. I'm still working on details of the uber project, so I can't give out too much information at this time but stay tuned. It's going to be fun.

Grateful for my friends but one in particular who has been really great when the lave heat of life just won't leave me alone. She has kindly held the tiniest fan with the greatest breeze and with kind words of encouragement helped me through this month. No one can tell me I don't have determination and perseverance. I guess I have a hard head but my heart is bursting with creative things I want to make and show the world. Even if some don't get it. Because my light is great. I'm going to repeat one of my favorite quotes.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is out Light, not our Darkness that

most frightens us.

- Marianne Williamson

Get ready to put your sunglasses on.

Oh My!

We only have one Friday the 13th this year! I've got to do something special. Are there any monster drinks out there? I've got to look some up. My mom was born on the 13th of a month. I love it when her birthday falls on a Friday. I give her funny and/or creepy birthday cards because that's how I roll. Yes. I don't have much time to think up something weird or unusual to make for Friday.

My 30 Day Challenge has been challenging. the past couple of days I waited until the last minute to do something. That little voice (Bad Wendy) was telling me to go to bed. "It's okay, she said. "I can double up tomorrow." But the challenge voice (Good Wendy) said to just sketch one thing. Because it didn't matter how big or small what I did was, as long as I did something. That is the key. Especially for big goals or projects. Just do a little something everyday. It will get you closer to the finish line.

I got up this morning and started six head ornaments from the sketches I did last night. Doesn't have anything to do with the challenge but it has everything to do with Halloween which isn't that far away. I tell myself that doing a little bit at a time helps. Not to worry about the final destination but to enjoy the trip. The beat down of other negative voices continues. It's kind of fun, going after the negative Nellie's in my head.

Now that I've got the 'creative train' going again, I thought about my writing which I haven't done in a week and a half. I almost teared up. Almost. Because I stopped. Again. I was on such a roll. Today I found the rough draft of a NANOWRIMO success. I told the story to a friend and even though it isn't her favorite genre, it interested her enough that she wants to read the final version. And I value her opinion  and that she thinks highly of me and my writing. I blew the dust off  and was quite impressed by the stack of papers I had. I'll have to read the whole thing to see what I wrote and then break it down for the rewrite.

52,000 plus words in that stack of papers.

I'm also doing quite well on some of my UFPs. Unfinished Projects. I'm afraid to show the list. It's kind of scary. I have quite a few projects that are very close to being done it's ridiculous. Stay tuned.

I'm A Work In Progress

Still.

I found this quote on the webs...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us”.
-Marianne Williamson 


I had a chance to talk to a life coach this week. It was quite interesting. She told me something that I already knew, which was that I was stuck, but there were other things I found out. She had me write several prompts. One was a list of things that have not gone well in the past couple of years, one listing good things that have happened, what good things did I garnish from the bad list and things I got from the good things list. Then I had to come up with insights from the first two lists. Well, I discovered that things weren't as bad as I had thought they were. Actually, I was neck-in-neck with good happenings and bad happenings. I did discover that there were some things that were kind of repeated and I just need to find a way to let them go because they aren't serving me well at all. Things like: being told I can't do something because of age, gender, color, education, place I lived and the continuous negative loop I played in my head on a regular basis. That will have to stop. I realized that it's okay for me to like me. To take care of me. To take a break when I need it. It's not being a narcissist, I'm not harming anyone in this process. But in order for me to progress, I need to be kinder to me. The coach said that I'm having a hard time taking that next step because of the loop and suggested a book to read that should help me get to the next step. I'll check the library.

I do feel better right now. Just from those prompts and seeing what was going on in my head. Sometimes you just need to have another brain that has nothing to gain from you to help you out. Then I read the above quote and it's dead on. I'm not afraid of failure. I've done lots of that and kept going. Success... that light of success is a scary thing. My light wants to shine and I continue to throw a blanket over it. I will work on that too. 

No Pic Post

Yes, a no pic post. Why? Why not? It's something that I've been feeling and thinking since my anniversary last week. I don't know what has happened. My attitude has changed a bit. At least towards what I want to do with myself. I just hope that it doesn't take another ten years to see some results.

The day after my anniversary, I felt as if I could do anything. And what I really wanted to do was to get back to creating dolls and Halloween pieces. Like I was going to explode. I was on creative overdrive. Even though I had quilts to longarm, this energy was oozing out of me. Kind of crazy. I like this new way of doing applique and I'm ready to get going on my own designs. I was amazed that I was excited again. A part of my tiny brain said it wasn't going to last. I pushed that thought out and into a dump. I will not question it. Whatever 'it' is. I feel like I've been reborn. I was searching for that dynamo of creativeness for such a long time and I may have found her.

Now for the true test. I've discovered that I need to find time to nurture the new creative me. I can't work on anything wet at the studio so I will have to do it in my apartment. Wet meaning paint, clay, paper mache, that type of thing. I will now start taking one or two days out of the week to work in those mediums. Another thing is to finally go through my ideas and pick one thing to work on. That will happen today. It's a good day. Nice and cloudy and rainy. A good day to get tucked in on a new project.

Stay tuned!

Anniversary

Yes, it's my anniversary. Yesterday was the day I left Michigan for North Carolina ten years ago. I can't believe it's been that long. I thought I would be upset but I wasn't. I learned a lot, met some really nice people, and did some really cool things.

• Participated in many art & craft shows
• Had my work in several shops and galleries
• Was part of a three woman show in the Delta Arts Center
• Was interviewed on the local radio for that exhibit
• Showed up in a couple of local papers for my artwork
• Visited two National Forests, a waterfall, and other scenic areas
• Made it to the coast and the mountains
• I started writing a lot and made the goal with National Write a Novel in a Month, several years

And other things. I don't know exactly what the next ten years will hold. I don't know if I'll be in the same spot. But I am hopeful. I am ready for another part of the play. I have new ideas for artwork, which I will finally own. So many have told me how much they like my work, many have bought some but I just didn't see it. Now I do. I will own my creativity, my talents and be the crazy art lady. I will be prolific. And I'm ready. Many demons have been slain. 

Let's do this!

Comfort Zone

I have slid into a comfort zone and I'm having a hard time getting out of it. Back in February, I wanted to have a project done a week. I did it. I was working on some old things and started some new things but I got four projects done. This month, not so great. My subconscious was telling me to knock it off. That things were getting a little uncomfortable. That's what change is. Uncomfortable. So I did nothing. Why rock the boat? Why have people look at me and question why I decided to do new things. Yes, it sounds stupid but I've found out that it goes all the way back to being a kid. I wasn't challenged to be great with my art. So I did just enough to make good grades. I didn't rock the boat. I didn't push my artwork because I was told it wouldn't get me anywhere. That art wasn't a viable career. So I coasted and fell into a comfort zone. That has plagued me until this day.

I am not done yet. I don't have a time machine to take me back to talk to my younger self. To say that I'm okay and so is my artwork. And there are wonderful occupations out there to do if I take that leap. Sometimes I think that I'm too old to start anything new but that's just not the case these days. I have so many wild, crazy, and creative ideas swirling around in my head. Will all of them work? Maybe not but if I don't work on them, I'll never know. Now that I do know where this psychosis comes from, it's time to do something about it. Have successes every month instead of every other month or every six months. Work on dealing with the fear. The worry that things won't turn out. Neither one gets you anywhere. And I'm tired of being held back.

I will start on my new projects this weekend. Do two minutes to see how things go. I'm usually good once I get started. I'm starting to shake already. We'll see.

My Work Table

It's been awhile since my work table looked like this. It was scary and exhilarating and fun at the same time. I hadn't felt that in a long time. How long? Three years long. Eek! Yep, I looked back. Way back. I'm grateful for my blog because I was able to go back and see when I was the most productive. What did I do differently? The time when I had a regular job, I got home, ate, and got busy. I designed and made things. Cool things and for whatever reason I lost that. Well now, I'm working my butt off to get it back.

I've made these critters before and I thought it would be the best small project to do to get back into the groove of things. Bad Wendy and the monkey were trying to poo poo my efforts. I told them to find a corner and be quiet. Sometimes you can't rush the really cool things you want to do after being away from it for so long. When I found out how long it had been, I cried. Three years gone; not creating anything. I mourned. Creating is like breathing but I guess I was underwater during that time. Now I've broken the surface. Doing the doggy paddle. And that's okay. Or maybe I was knocked out like Sleeping Beauty and Good Wendy threw paint brushes, paint, and maybe a sewing machine at me and I woke up.

For the past couple of months, I thought to myself that I've got to get back to making things. I've got to get that spark back. That it's okay to start back up, small. I gave myself permission to start small, with something I was familiar with. And now I'm ready for the next thing.

My St. Patrick's Day bat ornaments. I love bats and these make me happy.

And my bunner door hangs. I like them too.

There were plenty of times during the creation of these little guys where Bad Wendy was trying to get me off track. And I worked very hard at being in the moment. One stitch at a time. One little piece that goes next. I was so tired when I got done. My brain screamed at me. "What the heck do you think you're doing?" I answered back, "I'm using you." Maybe someone will buy them. Maybe not. But the creative floodgates have been opened. At least a bit.

One day at a time. One project at a time. One step at a time.

A Breakthrough... Maybe

I haven't been creating much of anything in the past couple of years. I have been quilting but that's my new business. I haven't been designing or making any new dolls or Halloween pieces. Even though I've been doodling ideas, nothing has come to being. I asked myself why? What was I doing or not doing that stopped my producing artwork? I know I had a creative block a few years ago and knew why but this was something different. I looked at my art/craft friends on Facebook to see what they were doing because they were producing work. Whether they made art as their main business or as a second business, they were getting things done. I found that they not only had ideas, but sketches. Those sketches obviously gave them a springboard to do the final piece, whether the final piece looked like the sketch or not. And that was my problem.

I have goo gobs of ideas, some sketched on tiny pieces of paper. I had begun to group them together and got down to three piles. And that was as far as I got. I didn't separate them into groups such as dolls, busts, ornaments. I didn't make anymore detailed sketches so that I would absolutely know what I was thinking about doing. So for the next week, I will separate and arrange my mini sketches into group ideas. I will then pick ones that I can develop and sketched them out more. Then I can finally get down to work and make something. And I made a deadline. I will reopen my Etsy shop March 1. Period, the end. Wish me luck.

I have been doing some snail mail art. I had promised some people letters and they are finally getting them. This is my second batch.

It was fun doing them. After pulling out a few teeth to just get started. Hopefully we won't get anymore snow for a couple of weeks. I'll head back into the studio tomorrow. Have a good week!

The First Week

There's one more day, today, left in my week. I start my new week on Sunday. For the first week of the new year, I didn't too to bad. I want to at least write five days out of the week and I did just that. I got my first business quilt, I got the binding attached to two preemie quilts (I'll stitch those down today), I finished my last Sashiko piece and I'm ready for the next step of that project. I cut out and sewed two new dolls for Halloween and I discovered something else about me. I guess kind of an epiphany. Nothing will ever be perfect enough. My apartment, my work area, nothing. For so long I've been putting off doing creative things because of numerous things. Excuses really. Not enough room, I want a separate spot to make dolls or do paper clay or polymer clay. I don't have enough shelving unit space. The list went on and on. The clock continued to tick on and on and I would end up berating myself because nothing got done. I'd see others online who had a table in the corner of their living room, or were using the kitchen table in between meals. How were they able to get things done and not me? Everyone would like to have that cool studio space with all the supplies needed to do whatever at the ready. That's a great dream. But when do I actually make something?

I have a friend who is also in the same predicament. We talked this week and I saw myself in her. She said, I've got to get this section cleared out. I've got to arrange things for the 13th time. Things aren't quite right. I got it. But I didn't like it when I saw me. I was getting older and not producing anything. And that's when I told myself that it's okay not to have that extra table to work on or have that extra shelf to put more stuff on. I looked around my apartment and I have everything that I need to at least get started with something. I decided that I wasn't going to have those excuses anymore. The fear is real and it will always be there. I've dealt with it before. Now it's time to wrangle it again.

Be open to new things. A mantra for the year. You just never know what will come around. There are new tenants in the building where my quilt studio is. I can't do wet things there because of the carpet on the floor. That was one of my excuses for not doing anything in my apartment which has hardwood floors. Yeah. These two new tenants create apps for kids. They introduced themselves (it was very nice to have a man stand up to do so) and we got to talking. They had seen my longarm machine in my spot and I told them I was getting back into making Halloween things and writing. They told me what they did. And for a brief instant, a light bulb turned on over each of our heads. It was fun to see the wheels turning and we all smiled. They asked me about what I wrote and if I had any ideas that could be adapted to an app. I may have an opportunity to write and illustrate a game app for kids. They invited me to their office and I was able to see them tweak their newest app that should be out soon. How cool is that? I'll keep you informed of any developments.

So writing my new life script is starting to work. No more waiting for the perfect time to write or create. Do it now. No more beating myself up. Telling myself what an interesting and creative person I am and that I can do what I set my mind to do. To break big projects up into smaller pieces and work on those. One brick at a time makes a house. Or a castle.

Am I still scared? A little but I'm going to work with the fear instead of against it.

Onward!

Yikes!

What a day! Eegads!

Don't get me wrong. It was a good day. I got quite a bit done. Yesterday I wasn't in the studio because of sinus issues. I'm feeling much better today. I got into the studio, cut out and sewed two dolls; cut, made and stitched binding on my two preemie quilts; and I finished working on my last Sashiko piece. Phase one of that project. But... but...

I was irritable all day long. Everyone irritated me to no end. Kids running up and down the hall, people slamming doors, inconsiderate young woman locked the outer door to the lady's restroom. Seriously? There are two stalls in the restroom. It told her that when she got out and she didn't get it. I repeated it and as to why she had that door locked? Then she got it. She did say a weak "Sorry" but I had to go. Now that I think about it, why would you lock a woman's restroom when there is more than one stall. Ugh! Not going to think about that right now. My blood pressure is finally going down.

Why the irritability? That crazy planet Mercury is in retrograde. Now you may not believe in that kind of stuff but I do. I was very proud of myself that I didn't break down and cry or break anything over anyone's head. But the whole day was just weird. One moment I'd be happy and I could conquer the world. The next minute, yes minute, I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry. Then I'd be back up again. I kept telling myself that I know what's wrong. So keep going. Which I did and I'm very proud of myself. I was talking to a friend today and she said that her mentally challenged clients were being weird too and one of her co-workers asked if there was a full moon. They even checked the calendar and there wasn't, then I told her about the retrograde. Her light bulb went off. Mercury hits the space road on the 23rd I think. It won't be soon enough.

So here's my last Sashiko piece. I will be working on phase two next week. I've been planning this project when I finished my first piece. I hope it works out.

Made It

Yep, I made it; survived Christmas. It didn't work out like I'd thought. I was very excited to be in the holiday spirit this year. I was really looking forward to it and then bam! I got sort of blind sided. By what, you ask? The crazy weather. I enjoyed driving the streets at night, looking at the decorations. I got ingredients for a nice dinner. I had pot roast, red potatoes, and carrots. Fixed that on Christmas Eve in my crock pot. The best thing was the crock pot liner. Those things are amazing for people who like one dish meals and don't like to clean up afterwards. I was all set. But the weather did something to me. I was out of sorts. Not necessarily depressed but kind of confused. All of a sudden I wanted Christmas to be over. Then I heard from several others and the news that people were feeling the same thing, out of sorts. Because of the unusually warm temperatures. Yep, that would do it. So I rallied and bounced back a bit so I could enjoy Christmas Eve and Day.

It's still warm. About 20 degrees above normal for this time of year. But yesterday I continued straightening and rearranging things to get going on creating new work. I now have different stations set up for different projects. I want to jump out of the 2016 gate. Last year I had dubbed 2015 the Year of the Creative Juggernaut. That didn't happen, as the fates, faeries, and numerous goddesses were in on a joke. Me being the butt of it. I was taken in a new direction and it has been a ride. Not the worse one I've had but a weird one. I now have a growing business and it's time to get back to creating. I really want to and feel that I'm ready. I had to go through horse poo in order to get to this point. I will not say that I'm not terrified, again. Story of my life. It is my life and I'm owning it. I will work through the fear and press on. I've started my lists, written down plans and goals. I'm accumulating all my creative, intellectual, emotional ammunition and mixing it with a lot of bravery. My ancestors are watching.

2016 will be the Year of the Phoenix. There were a lot of ashes this year and I shall arise and bring along the Juggernaut.

No Pic Post

Catching Up!

What's that?

I have failed at 'Catching Up'. I tried and it's a no go. And that's okay. I tried. And was driving myself nutso. Trying and failing and trying again is how life is. There are times where it gets me down but I continue to try again. Sometimes it takes awhile for me to get back on the spaceship but eventually, I do. And I'm off.

So... I've decided that I will just do. Just move forward with everything. Finish projects, continue to work on big projects, start new projects. Just do it. Because I like to do many things. That's okay. I am made up of many things. I have many interests. And that is okay. I am okay. I took a workshop to make a fancy wallet. I was planning on making a few for gifts. I made that one and that's it. I'm done with that design. It wasn't for me. I moved on to another design. I've cut those pieces out and will put them together this week. If one thing doesn't work out, there's always, always something else that will.

I will continue to work on 'going with my gut feelings' when I am working on large projects or starting new ones. If the feeling has gone, then I will move on. That is so liberating. It's taken me a long time to get here but wow! I will continue to make my lists. New projects, keep working projects, almost done projects, and just finish the darn thing.

Today is a take it easy day. I will try to work on NANO. I have been writing longhand and now I need to type it in to get an updated word count. That's about it. Last week was very trying. Truck went into the shop. No brakes. Helped a friend out who double book shows. I manned her show on Saturday. Yesterday. Got a busy week with three quilts to longarm. And then there are those lists. I'm feeling pretty good right now. Hope it lasts. At least through the week.

Dreams, Dreams, Dreams

I've been in a creative funk lately, even though I had fun celebrating my birthday month. I was bound and determined to turn this year around and do something, so I straightened up my work space. This type of straightening wasn't procrastinating because when my work area gets to the point where I can't find anything, it needs to be fixed. Once I could see things, my mind felt clearer. I could even breath better. And the following morning, the dreams came.

We all dream. We may not remember them, but we all do it. When I was younger, I studied dreams and all scientific things going on about dreaming. I disagreed with them on some points. Since then some things have changed. They used to say that you only dream after you reach REM, about an hour once you fall asleep. Um... yeah. I can be asleep for ten minutes and have dreams of epic proportions. That's where I get most of my story ideas from. Dreams.

Another thing they used to say was that dreams were only in black and white. I haven't kept up on dream research but for me and others I've met, that was wrong. I had one nightmare in my lifetime that was in black and white. My dreams are in wonderful Technicolor. With sounds and smells. Sometimes my dreams are just fluff, sometimes I'm flying and then I crash and burn. I'm not hurt but it's telling me that I have to work something through. That's usually the case for me. I have gone years without remembering dreams (and I had been totally miserable), I know I've had them but can't remember them. But when something in my life is happening, a big change or little is coming and I need to think things through or just not give up, the dreams come. Fast and furious like.

After I cleared the clutter in my creative work space, it seemed to allow the creative flood gates to open and thoughts in my mind to get going again. But two mornings ago, I couldn't remember the dreams. There were about four or five, one right after the next. Some were long and others short. I try to remember what's going on in my dreams so I can analyze them because they usually tell me something. What to do next, which direction to go in, what to decide but... my alarm went off just when something was going to happen. Gah! Sometimes if I just stay still I can remember bits and pieces. Nope. Not this time. It was crazy too. A whirlwind of 'what the heck' things.

Then things in real life started to change. I became productive again. Got a new longarm job. Got a positive response from a quilt shop owner for her to send some business my way. Got a message that another longarmer is sending business my way. The rough draft of my short story is almost done. The top of a wall hanging I started many moons ago is on its way to be finished. And I'm being consistent with what I do. My down time in between projects is getting shorter. Meaning, when I get to a certain point where I need to think about a project more before continuing or I get tired, I just don't turn on the TV and waste the rest of the day. I take a short break and go onto the next project. That's a good thing. I'm starting to utilize my time better. I will have pictures shortly.

Have a great day!

New Doll

I've been seeing on Facebook that Raggedy Ann is 100 this year. I thought I'd do my take on her. I sketched, made a pattern that I liked (the second one is a little larger than the first), cut out the pieces and sewed them together. I plan on stuffing the little thing today and maybe start painting her.

I will also get back to sketching. I've been slacking. I seem to do tiny things and I guess that's okay. Still working on getting over that everything has to be just so to get started. It doesn't. I am working on a five second rule created by Mel Robbins. If you think about something you want to do that will move you forward, within five seconds, do it. Don't think about it because if you don't do it, you won't do it. I've started reading her book Stop Saying You're Fine and of the many empowerment/self help books I've read, this one is different. She gets to that little voice buried deep in your head that tells you that new things are scary and difficult, so don't change. On the surface, it's like, yeah, I can see that but trying to get out of that being stuck is quite difficult. But I will keep working at it because there are many things I want to do, places I want to go and I have to make the conscious effort to get moving.

Another thing I will get to today, finally, is my Halloween Cat. I got the applique part done but have been procrastinating on the embroidery part. I want to get it done, even though I won't have a place to hang it just yet but at least it will be done. Have a good day!

#melrobbins #stopsayingyourefine #raggedyann

Getting Back to Me

Spring has shown up and there are storms everywhere. Hibernation is over and oh boy, I am in need of some serious moving around. No more winter foods. Back to grazing good things. And I will be planting some things in a garden very soon. For the past two days, I've gotten a morning walk in. It's been rough. Muscles are mushy, tendons are tight. Right now everything aches but it's a start. I didn't cry when I got on the scale this morning. I do know I have a lot of work to do. It will take time, just like it took time to allow the weight to get on.

My creative mojo is coming back. That feels so good. I know that sometimes things happen one right after the other and you just don't know which way to turn. You want to crawl under a rock and go to sleep. But you take a couple of deep breaths, push the rock off your back, get up and stretch, and get going again. Sometimes you just have to go to that space, you just don't want to stay there. It's a brand new season. Working on a new me. That's okay too. If one thing doesn't work out, move onto something else. Keep going. It's all about the process and the journey. It's taken me awhile to understand that. Enjoy the process. Enjoy each day.

I have several things on my docket for the rest of the month. I've been writing again. Yes, I know, again. I just can't seem to give it up. I'm working on a short story. I want to get the rough draft down this month and polished by the end of June. My birthday month. The next Halloween challenge theme is Monsters in My Room. I have an idea for it and will sketch is today. I did a sketch of a Halloween girl with her cat last night. I'll work on her today too. Lots of binding quilts too. We shall see. It's also nice to have a partner in crime.

Onward!

I am so grateful that I have a friend who knows his way around computers. My laptop is cooperating right now. Things are being backed up. Back to posting and writing. Still working on my short story and new quilts.

I liked working on my challenge piece that will be for sale. I will post the site information when I get it. It really felt good working with Creative Paper Clay. I'm still new to it and still working it out. I know what to do the next time. And that's coming up because the next theme is 'Monsters in My Room'. I won't say what I'm doing but will post my progress.

The first challenge was 'Cast a Spell'.  It could be a book of spells, a witch, whatever. I decided to do a witch holding a wand and a crystal ball. I had lofty ideas which didn't turn out the way I thought they would but I finished and I like her even more. Lots of mental notes for the next project.

I started with a drawing the size of a shadow box I was going to use.

Once I started building her up, I realized the shadow box was too deep and I would need something different. So I thought of using a frame, which worked in the end. What I learned, for next time, is to make a small flat base to add the clay to, which can then be glued onto a board. I was also going to use a real marble but it didn't look right in the frame. If I had used the shadow box, the real marble would have worked better.

Here she is done. I like her clay hair, her hat, and the ghosts coming out of the ball. She's got a goofy look that I like too. I painted the frame (wood), using a gold metallic opaque marker. Gotta get more of those in different colors. The frame can sit on a desk or be hung on a wall. I like her as my first non-quilt project for the year. See ya!