April

Yikes!
I will try better to post on a regular basis for this month. These are strange and unusual times. There is nothing normal about it. And though I have more time on my hands right now, I have a hard time wanting to be creative. I'm working on that. I'm learning that it's okay to want to sit and cry, or be angry with what's going on, that I can't leave the house and meet up with friends or my mom. I just don't want to stay there. In the darkness and think there will never be light again. Everyday is it's own day. And I take it one day-at-a-time.

Like so many others, I have started making masks. For friends and family who have to go out for groceries or to work. Here's my prototype. I'm using whatever I have in my very low fabric stash. I don't have elastic and it's hard to come by, so I'm making fabric ties. Better for washing. Over time, elastic breaks down. My hair is a fright and so is this pic. Sorry about that.

I'm still working on my 100 Critter project. A bit behind on that. But here's what I've been doing.

I even pulled out a recipe this past weekend and cooked. Shrimp, farro, spinach (because when one wants to find Swiss Chard it's nowhere to be found), broth, Parmesan and Feta cheese, and I topped it off with grape tomatoes for a little color. It was so good. Next time, I will double the recipe. Made this in the crock pot.

And I put together a jigsaw puzzle because I love doing them. This one was a challenge but I got it together anyway. I wish I had some of these yummies to munch on.

I'm going to try to see if I can get a link in. I am now a published writer. My short story Ancestor Ghosts has been published in the spring 2020 edition of Sirens Call Publications e-zine. http://www.sirenscallpublications.com/ I'm on page 92, Wendy L. Barber. It's very exciting to finally have others be able to read my work.

Okay then, I'm off to get some masks done, keep drawing, writing, and get back to some doll making. Stay safe, stay home, we will get through this.

Snow!

I'm hanging in there. It's been and emotional roller coaster the past several days since I was laid off. Fear, dread, anger, frustration, sadness, depression... I could go on. I have cried a lot and it's a struggle to find a creative happy place. So I joined an online art challenge of sorts. 100 dogs. Hosted by Jennifer Steck. https://jennifersteck.com/ or on Instagram under JenniferSteckArts. Her style is very whimsical and it's something I've never done. So far, I'm enjoying it and have to catch up. I've got 21 crazy dogs.

I know it's supposed to be spring but we got snow early this week. I didn't know whether to feel sorry for my visitors or not. I wanted to ask them if they were Census workers or plague doctors.

I'm going to continue to look for online work and do something creative. I hope you all have a pleasant day too.

Here we go!

Sometimes you just need to talk to a good friend, who really knows you, to help you get back on the creative wagon. Things keep happening that want to derail me being as creative as I want. My mother fell again last week. The second time this year. I went into her hometown on Monday to check on her, the house, and I made her a big pot of veggie soup and some rice on the side. I bought her some frozen breakfast sandwiches, frozen chicken and turkey breakfast sausages, and breakfast bars. Why? Because she won't eat breakfast. Then later in the day, she'll get dizzy. And then comes the fall. So I got easy and small things she can eat in the morning to get something on her stomach. Today I go back because she's got a doctor's appointment.

Back to my friend. She helped me get out of this little rut that was about to turn into a canyon. It's the same old negative loop. I have a list of things I want to do. I get a great start in the morning. Then right after coffee, things go haywire. The doubts seep in. Why work on something and it won't turn out. Or no one  will like it. No one will buy it. No one will buy anything because nothing's finished. Then I get freaked out, think about my mother, getting a new job, and it just goes on and on. My friend told me to stop it. Find a beautiful picture of Scotland and put it where I can see it everyday. And tell myself that I need to work on and complete things so I can get there. Yesterday was a good day. Got more Frida dolls stuffed and put together. I didn't get to all on the list, but I got to that.

See, they look like aliens. This is one point where I would stop and do the bad thing of beating myself up. So when I get back from mom's, I will paint pretty faces. Have a great day y'all. Someone should.

September

It's been awhile. I have been recuperating from knee surgery. Four weeks now and PT (physical therapy is going well. Right now I'm about 75% functional. My PT therapist says I'm doing better than most who have had my procedure. Of course, I'm not a patient person and I'm working on not being hard on myself for not being further along. But I can walk without shooting pain and my flexibility is improving everyday. I even got more types of exercises to do. I'm planning on another tow weeks to see how things go and then I'll be ready to look for a new job. I don't know if I want to be on my feet all the time at the old job or deal with people this holiday season.

It's been rough trying to get creative again. Lots of starts and stops. Lots of tears. Lots of being mad at myself. I tell myself, one-day-at-a-time. Do a few things and rest. Think of all the cool and wonderful things I've done and celebrate. Put fear in the backseat and keep moving. It's hard. After being in constant pain for so many months, having the surgery, and not working, it is very hard. My self esteem is in the toilet and I just have little faith in creating right now. Once again I have missed out on several creative opportunities.

It's my favorite time of year and I'm working on enjoying it. The leaves are starting to change colors. I love that. The temps were cooler but we seem to be getting a late summer right now. All the fall and Halloween decorations are out in full force. I have to just look. Look at how people decorate their homes, both inside and out. I keep telling myself that one day, one day I will have my own home to decorate. Right now, that's kind of hard to hold on to.

I tell myself that each day is a new day. I've been trying to just get back to creating something. After surgery, all I could do was knit. So I made dish cloths.

I finally got a front page done for my Bullet Journal.

I started drawing mushrooms for a project I've been wanting to work on for over a year.

And I finally got back to my EPP (English Paper Piecing) using hexies. The mini ones below in the first pic will turn into something. I can see what I want in my mind but I don't know if it will happen.

The larger hexies have backings and will be appliqued down and eventually turned into pincushions. One can never have enough pincushions. Plus I'm trying to use up some of the fabric and other materials I have.

It's a start. I now have to finish them. Another big problem. Finishing things.

One Day At A Time. After all, I'm still healing. And I need to cut myself some slack.

New Thoughts

May hasn't been that good to me. And half the year is almost over. It's been trying. Working in retail during big holidays takes a lot out of a person. But at least, I didn't need bail money. I think that everyone should have to work retail for a year, including holidays. It boggles my mind why people insist on being rude and inconsiderate to others who are truly trying to do their job. I survived Mother's Day. Not really looking forward to Christmas.

And the world continues to turn.

I also had a panic attack yesterday. It wasn't as bad as some I've had in the past but it did scare me. Feeling better now. I've decided that I will forget and forego making things according to what's hot at the moment or what people think I should make that will sell. No more. Life is way too short. Starting today, I will make what makes me happy. Something that might creep me out a little. If others like what I make, great! But I'm making work for me. Work that I was afraid to try. It's time to 'Make It Suck' again.

I have been blessed with a wacky and creative mind. I have the means and know how to pull some things off. If not, I'll learn something new. So if you're still hanging around, thanks. It's time to take some Transformer action. I will be back soon.

Transition

That word can mean many things to different people. For me it's crossing a river from comfortable place to a very strange and unusual land. A nice, creative one with lots of bright colors. I love color. I love all types of art. Getting a little ahead of myself.

I am transitioning from being one type of artist to another. For the past 30 or so years (jeepers, I'm divulging how many trips I've been around the sun) I've been a traditional cloth doll artist. I'd design a doll, make the pattern, find fabric, cut out the doll, sew it, stuff it, paint the face, and then dress it. I've done everything from cottage industry type things, to limited editions, to one-of-a-kinds. I've made play dolls for both boys and girls and dolls you just put on a shelf and look at how pretty and cool they are. That was way back when fabric was good. Now it's hard to find a fabric that will hold up to what I did to it. Fabric that's the right color for brown dolls, fabric that doesn't feel slippery. Because when I found something that worked, they'd go and change it. And the search would be on again. Then the fabric stores started closing or moving further away.

Now don't get me wrong. I love cloth dolls. I've won ribbons, had one woman art shows; been in galleries and cool little shops; taught classes; been in local newspapers; photos of my dolls have shown up in doll magazines; made dolls, that were a huge part of the story in an independent movie (still on the shelf), the main character was a doll maker; had my dolls in an exhibit in a museum (The Delta Fine Arts Museum); and had an interview on the local public radio station because of that exhibit; have a doll on permanent display in a children's museum; and had my dolls decorate the set of a stage production along with making a doll used in the play. I have done a lot with cloth and I am proud of what I have accomplished with them but now I want to move on.

I couldn't understand how I could still design, sew, and stuff the doll but after that, I lost interest. I wouldn't finish the doll. Why? Well, it's the stuffing part. I've stuffed a lot and oh... the right stuffing I like to use is getting more difficult to find. Why do they have to change formulas? Stuffing takes a lot of time. I love painting the faces and dressing the dolls; putting on the final touches of beads, buttons, or feathers. But once I was done with the stuffing, the dolls just sat. And it was a chore getting back to them. Plus my hands are having a hard time doing that part nowadays. I longed to do dolls or figures that I could pose, put on a stand, in a vignette. Tell a story. I tried porcelain (finicky), needle felting (a lot like stuffing), polymer or oven bake clay (no place to do that now), and air dry clay.

For right now, I've settled on the air dry clay. It's not as portable as cloth but easy to clean up. I can sand the dried piece, drill it, paint it, stain it, whatever. And I have started a couple of pieces. I'm terrified that they won't come out. That no one will like them. So I've decided to just make them for me. Just do it. Learn the new medium. There will be a learning curve and it will take a lot longer if I don't open up the bag of clay. I have so many ideas sketched out. On paper, in sketchbooks, on napkins. It's something SOOOOOO totally different.

But I've given myself permission to 'Make It Suck' and then I'll let others decide if they like it or not. That's what a friend of mine told me to do. Make it Suck. I will wrap up the few cloth dolls that I have waiting to be finished. Then step on the next stone leading to the other side of the river. It's scary but I'm getting excited. Until then, here are some bloomers.

Better Late Than Never

I almost have a batch of monster doll pins done. Almost. It seems I get to the end of something and stop. Not a good habit. Maybe I lose my faith, or nerve, or whatever. I tell myself that I'd rather clean the bathroom or do laundry than add hair and hearts to these little darlings. It's amazing how our brain tricks us into doing what we don't want to do and not what really makes our hearts sing.

I did manage to finally get the September front page for my Bullet Journal done. Yeah, yeah, same old thing. A day late and a dollar short. I kind of knew what I wanted to do then scrapped the idea. So I did that wonderful yearly rite of passage. The first day of school. I used oil based color pencils. Walnut Hollow I believe. I do like those pencils and years ago I was getting pretty good with them. Then I stopped. Now it's back to square one. But I shall continue because now I think I have a pretty decent pencil sharpener. One that won't crack the leads or eat up the pencils.

I think I would like to try this drawing again. Add a few more things. Then I drew some pumpkins. I was going to make them jack-o-lanterns but I'll have plenty of time to do them next month. I used Tombow markers on this one and a Tombow brush pen which I truly find amazing. You can get a fine line and with a little pressure, get a wider line. Like using a paint brush. Gonna have to work more with that too. I messed up on both with the lettering. I guess I wasn't paying attention but for right now, I'm pleased with both. Because it's fall. Not technically but for me, fall starts right after Labor Day.

Until next time. Have a nice day.

New Dollies

I decided to get out of my way and my head out of my butt and do something. I have so many ideas and I freak myself out by them and I end up not doing anything at all. Which is kind of lame. I'm a lister, a person who makes lists. And I'm not ashamed. If I don't write things down, I will forget them. If I don't do random sketches on small sheets of paper of really cool ideas, I will forget the idea. So... lists. Now I'm putting three things on my list and giving each part of a project some love. I guess I will have to figure out how to use the timer on my almost new phone. That I've had for several months.

So this is what I did today. I have no idea why I waited so long since I cut the things out before I stuffed them and stitched them together. I'm glad I only did two because I think I want to make a slight change to the legs. Maybe. But I'm liking them so far.

I think they have long legs because I'm short. Well actually average height but I'm the shortest one in my family. I love those stripes. I will continue to work on staying out of my way, overthinking, and my procrastination. Which has a lot to do with the fear of trying new things. Have a goodnight.

Slowly...

Moving along. One of my mid-year goals is to post on my blog more often. Even if I don't post pics, I can talk about what's going on in my crazy little mind. My creative crazy little mind. I'm at the bad point of most of my projects. Finishing. I don't know why I don't like to finish things because I know that if I do, there's a good possibility of me selling the piece. Maybe it's because that's a scary thing. I tell myself that if I finish it, people will expect more. Oh, what a wonderful loop that is. No, it isn't. I'm running out of room and I've got so many more ideas floating around and just sketched out on paper.

One project has a deadline and it must be finished today. That's scary in itself. To release something that I've created. What if they don't like it? But they will. You were recommended to them, so someone likes your work. To some this may sound silly but to other creatives, you know what it feels like to not trust yourself, your work, your own creativity, your passion and you just start beating yourself up over it. Well... for me... today is not that day. It will get done and in the mail. Because I have so much more to do. Oh my gosh! You wouldn't believe the lineup I have of what to do and as long as I can stay out of my way and put fear in the backseat (because it will always be there), I can step on the gas. And my creative dungeon, um... work space is a total wreck and that is also jamming my creative frequencies. Ugh!

One... thing... at... a... time.

So, for now I show you the voodoo doll pins that I have been working on for a very long time. The finally got a little paint, their faces on, and skirts and short pants ready. They are the second project that will be done on Sunday. Next week is my birthday and I'm taking off from the other job to have time to bust out some new work and finish up some old work. I've got eight days. Yeah, I'm laughing now. It hasn't turned maniacal yet but I feel it building. I guess this is a good time to see what I'm really made of. You with me? I'm doing the virtual hand holding right now.

I'm off to a great start today. I think I'm going to need more coffee. Yesterday was the longest day of the year and now they are going to get shorter again. Isn't that crazy how that works? My countdown has begun. 130 days and 14 hours. That shouldn't be too difficult to figure out.

Have an exciting day y'all!

New Stuff

Finally got a chance to cut out some new things. I've been asked to do a few more Cauldron Critters (on the left) and I'm trying a free pattern of a troll by doll artist Ute Vasina. I love her work and it was very nice of her to offer one of her patterns for free. No instructions, so I'm truly winging it. She is posting pics of her troll as she's working on it on Facebook. We'll see if I can get this little guy or gal finished.

That's a big problem that I have. I can design it. I can start it and get it to being almost finished and then I stop. I don't finish it at all. I'm working on that. It's a big problem right now. But everyday is a new day and I just have to keep going. Sometimes I have to start again but I will not give up. So I guess I'm still on the creative wagon.

I have 13,114 words for NaNoWrimo. I'm sort of up-to-date. I want to try to get ahead by the end of the weekend so I won't have to rush around November 28th.  That's it for now.

The Adventure Continues

Yes, it continues and evolves. Life still wants to throw things at me and some things I can't control. So I work on things I can control. My artwork and my writing. I am ready to do NaNoWriMo this year, starting at midnight November 1st. I will probably meet with my local group for the kickoff. I've missed Halloween again. So I've decided that it is truly a year round thing and will continue making things and figure out an outfit for next year. I'm still working on turning around this year. Working on my own break. Scared to death about it but the end has not been written and I want it to be different than what I've got now. So here's what I've been doing.

I took a Cosmic Smashbook workshop and it's like a journal making class but for personal development. It was fun, like being in kindergarden again. Lots of paint and glue. In the center of the journal, we wrote what we wanted to accomplish, our dreams, etc and then painted our hands over to protect those dreams. We can add photos, poems, pictures from magazines, anything that will help us reach our goals.

My goofy pic. I will work more on my cover. Yes, that's a pirate. That's how I see my adventure.

My first page will be one of fear and good feel arrows being shot into it. To get rid of the fear that is holding me back. The fear of failure, success, just being.

Here is the center of my journal where I wrote my dreams and goals. I traced and painted my hands over those dreams and goals.

This is an in progress project. Just like I'm a work in progress. This whole process is interesting and I will update as often as I can.

Hello March!

Month number three. A quarter of the way through 2016. Are you grabbing it by the horns, hair, tail? Whatever? I tell you, I am working on it. Already, this year is different from last year. A lot different. I've already finished several projects. I will have to take a pic of my done list. A couple of times I had to remember to write down the project on the done list. It does make a difference to see things done. At the end of the year, I don't have to try to remember all the things that I'd finished. It's easier to remember everything that I didn't finish, so that won't happen this year.

Right now, I'm still excited. The fear hasn't totally disappeared but I continue to shove it to the back of mind little mind. One of my big projects is under way. I will be able to show pics, hopefully, in a few weeks. My second big project is to update my wardrobe. I'm not a clothes horse or fashionista but I want a few items that I can wear and feel good about myself. If I wasn't wearing a suit when I worked in an office, or a uniform at some retail place, I wore another uniform of blue/black jeans and a top. A short sleeve tee, a long sleeve tee with a sweater in cold weather. Very plain. Very boring. Not even comfortable anymore. Nothing nice to wear at art openings. I don't want to look like a college art student for the rest of my life. I'm going to go retro. I've seen ladies walk around downtown in retro 50s. They look amazing. I even spoke to them and they told me they dressed like that everyday. I thought that was wonderful. They were confident. You could look at them and just tell. They also knew they looked good. They owned the 'look'. They didn't care about what anyone else thought because they knew who they were. I've also seen a retro 60s couple. That's all they wore. First, I have to find some patterns. Foundation pieces are the key to some looks.

Halloween projects are in design mode. Many will be in either paper clay/mache or polymer clay. Different media for me. I've worked with them before but not on a large scale.

Spring is coming. This year I'm ready for it. Ready to get outside, walk, hike, find some waterfalls, have a bag lunch outside. Yep, winter can hit the road. Well, we really haven't had a winter where I am. That's cool. Time to get this day going. Have a good one.

The First Week

There's one more day, today, left in my week. I start my new week on Sunday. For the first week of the new year, I didn't too to bad. I want to at least write five days out of the week and I did just that. I got my first business quilt, I got the binding attached to two preemie quilts (I'll stitch those down today), I finished my last Sashiko piece and I'm ready for the next step of that project. I cut out and sewed two new dolls for Halloween and I discovered something else about me. I guess kind of an epiphany. Nothing will ever be perfect enough. My apartment, my work area, nothing. For so long I've been putting off doing creative things because of numerous things. Excuses really. Not enough room, I want a separate spot to make dolls or do paper clay or polymer clay. I don't have enough shelving unit space. The list went on and on. The clock continued to tick on and on and I would end up berating myself because nothing got done. I'd see others online who had a table in the corner of their living room, or were using the kitchen table in between meals. How were they able to get things done and not me? Everyone would like to have that cool studio space with all the supplies needed to do whatever at the ready. That's a great dream. But when do I actually make something?

I have a friend who is also in the same predicament. We talked this week and I saw myself in her. She said, I've got to get this section cleared out. I've got to arrange things for the 13th time. Things aren't quite right. I got it. But I didn't like it when I saw me. I was getting older and not producing anything. And that's when I told myself that it's okay not to have that extra table to work on or have that extra shelf to put more stuff on. I looked around my apartment and I have everything that I need to at least get started with something. I decided that I wasn't going to have those excuses anymore. The fear is real and it will always be there. I've dealt with it before. Now it's time to wrangle it again.

Be open to new things. A mantra for the year. You just never know what will come around. There are new tenants in the building where my quilt studio is. I can't do wet things there because of the carpet on the floor. That was one of my excuses for not doing anything in my apartment which has hardwood floors. Yeah. These two new tenants create apps for kids. They introduced themselves (it was very nice to have a man stand up to do so) and we got to talking. They had seen my longarm machine in my spot and I told them I was getting back into making Halloween things and writing. They told me what they did. And for a brief instant, a light bulb turned on over each of our heads. It was fun to see the wheels turning and we all smiled. They asked me about what I wrote and if I had any ideas that could be adapted to an app. I may have an opportunity to write and illustrate a game app for kids. They invited me to their office and I was able to see them tweak their newest app that should be out soon. How cool is that? I'll keep you informed of any developments.

So writing my new life script is starting to work. No more waiting for the perfect time to write or create. Do it now. No more beating myself up. Telling myself what an interesting and creative person I am and that I can do what I set my mind to do. To break big projects up into smaller pieces and work on those. One brick at a time makes a house. Or a castle.

Am I still scared? A little but I'm going to work with the fear instead of against it.

Onward!

A New Year!

Yesterday was my birthday. I had a fun time doing things throughout the month to celebrate my special day. Capped it all off spending time with some friends at an art reception and eats at Muddy Creek Cafe. It was so good talking and laughing with good people.

Today starts my New Year. I have some major plans on the drawing board and will have to work like a maniac for the next two years for it to happen. I've been in this spot for nine years, it's time to make a move. I have started my recons to the  mountains of North Carolina and I think I've found the spot where I want to settle. It has everything. A great art/craft vibe, lots of interesting people, tons to do: tubing down a river, rafting, hiking and biking, fishing, museums, great places to eat, lots of festivals just about all year round, and natural beauty. That's for the move, I will also kick up the creative projects up a few notches. My artwork, quilts, writing will all go into override because I am moving to the mountains. I've been toying with the idea for the past several years and now I've put it out to the universe.

Am I scared? Heck yeah! But the excitement is even more powerful. You can accomplish a lot when you're excited about something. And I will document everything. So let's get started.

I got these today from a local craft store. It has a point program and if you get so many points by the end of the year, you get a $10 coupon. Yeah, yeah, you spend more than you get back but when that $10 comes in at the beginning of the year, that's when I really need something from the store. So I'm good. I've just about run out of my paints. Some, not very good ones, so I've decided to go for the gold and get better paints. One, you don't have to use as much to get the color you want. The color saturation is so much better and basically, you get what you pay for. Plus, I haven't used artist grade paints since I was last in college and that was a long time ago. Years. Eons. You get the point.

I love the little beach chair. What will I do with it? I don't know but if I'm going to go back and get a couple more, I need a good reason to do so. I have an idea and will start sketching it out. The paint is Golden Manganese Blue Hue. Coupons help too.

I've got a list to attack. Have a great day.

I'm in Germ Magazine

This year hasn't been going like I had planned.  I didn't jump out of my creative gate and the procrastination ghouls have been appearing.  I was about to start pulling my hair out because I had so many plans and nothing was getting done. Not good enough, who will like my stuff.

Well...

Someone does. I really hope I can get this link up right.
http://www.germmagazine.com/loved-through-the-years-three-centuries-of-black-dolls/

I has a spot in a brand new online magazine for pre-teen and teen girls.  There's art, writing, music, videos, all that will help them be empowered.  And I'm a part of it.  At the beginning.  From the ground up.

THAT... is pretty awesome.

At first I didn't think so.  I found everything that was wrong and began to beat myself up.  All of those past demons of not being perfect, good enough surface from some stinky dark and gooey pit.  I called a friend because I should have been excited.  She said it was up to me to be happy about this and not worry about expectations of others or trying to be perfect or worry and be in a very sad state.

I have decided to kick Bad Wendy to the curb, again.  This is a good moment.  A wonderful moment for me.  I have accomplished something really cool.  Me.  This is where my hard works has gotten me so far.  I am proud of me.  After all, this is what I've wanted.  Or at least part of it.

Will I ever feel low again?  Maybe, at some point.  But next time, I will tell myself that I deserve something nice.  I deserve recognition for good work.  That it is good and okay.  Right now, I will not allow what has happened when I was growing up, or when I wanted to begin my art career when I was younger.  Today is a new day and I will embrace it.  I like me.  I like my creative growth over the past several years.  Great things have yet to come.  2014 will be my happy year.  I will make it so.  You are my witnesses.  As a creative person, what do you grapple with?

What the Heck!

Yep!  What the heck?  Where has this year gone?  My head is spinning and the world is upside down.  In thirteen more days it will be the longest day of the year.  And you know what happens after that... the days start getting shorter.  What?  The past couple of weeks have been a bit crazy.  I'm working on catching up on things, like wrapping up May.  That just totally slid by me.  Two commissions and an art show later, I can come up for air.  A bit.  So grab your favorite beverage, your favorite seat and get comfortable.  This may take awhile.  Where do I begin?

Okay, I'll begin with the end of May.  The last day, the 31st, when I realized that I had been out of work for a year and actually survived.  There were times where I did get help from some wonderful people but I didn't give up on my dream of being an artist.  Not starving but severely struggling and that could be a mind thing in itself.  My emotions were all over the place.  Happy because I took a chance.  How many other people do? With several false starts, I forged ahead.  Not knowing where I was going or how things were going to turn out.  Working out a schedule for me that would work for what I wanted to do.  I'm still working on that but I've found out that I write better in the mornings.  I work great with the painting and dolls after lunch.  That's a good thing.  I'm still amazed that I can do that.  Make my own schedule.  Some days I have to chuck it out the window, but it's my schedule.

Happy because I've been creating and working on new designs, even though most didn't work out.  But attempt was there.  I didn't know if they would work or not and the drama between the two Wendy's was epic.  I can't. I can.  I can't.  Oh, just do it and worry about the outcome later.  I even surprised myself when I had to do a cloth doll for a graduation gift.  With very little time to do it.  I couldn't find my old patterns because brilliant me decided to put them in envelopes and file them away.  Far, far away.  They are quite safe.  So, I did what any doller would do.  Made up a new pattern and doll in a day.  I really like this new pattern and I'm trying to figure out what else I can with it.  Got her painted and dressed in the second day.  I really need to figure out how to keep that kind of fire under my butt at all times.  Be able to turn it on and off.  Good Wendy was impressed.   Bad Wendy's head exploded.  For those of you not familiar with The Wendy's, they are my muses and alter egos.  They either encourage me, present bright ideas, or go totally AWOL.

Happy because I've have been in the zone so many times that is was a form of enlightenment.  Pleasure. Excitement.  There were times when I felt like I was flying and when  project was done, I didn't crash and burn like in previous years.  I stepped right into the next thing.  There were times when my brain actually hurt because I was thinking things through.  They say that your brain is a muscle and this past year I have stretched it.  I actually felt it getting stronger.  Neurons reconnecting.

Happy because of the many times I questioned myself and I just didn't give up.  I kept going.  There was always tomorrow.  I was blessed with new days.  Days to start over again if I had to and sometimes, I had to.  Days of being alone and stuck in my studio.  Working on a project through tears because this was my new job.  Something I've always wanted to do.

Happy because no matter how many times I got knocked down (and there were plenty) I got back up.  Sometimes I limped, was bruised, or totally shell shocked.  Always working on not comparing myself to anyone else.  Hard, very hard.  Battling the thoughts that I'm too old to do this or to be published one day.  Realizing that I just have to do it.  Write my stories, craft my dolls because I have to.  Work my butt off because I have to.  Because those things are a part of me, they make me.  To create is to breathe.  And when I don't, I feel a little ill.  Then I pick up clay, or fabric, or a paintbrush, or pen and paper and get going again.  I've painted, sewn, and written through tears.  Will it happen again?  Probably.  But I will keep going.  If anyone ever tells me that I don't work, I will tell them to try it.  And then eat rat turds.

Now the other side of the coin.  There have been times when I would freak myself out, asking if I should get a job.  Then I ask myself, what jobs?  I still beat up and drag myself over hot coals and mountainous terrain.  But not as often as I had been doing.  Am I still afraid at times?  You betcha.  I am getting stronger because this is my creative journey.  If I don't like one path, I can get on another one.  Am I wealthy?  Nope.  Will I be?  I don't know the answer to that either.  But I will have peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment.  No one can take that away from me.  So I guess in a sense, I am wealthy.  Leaving behind things that will make people smile or think.

Well would you look at that?  Not much to the other side of that coin.  I am very proud of myself.  Of what I've done in one year.  Last year I made a deal with myself to at least try.  The deal is still on because this year will be better.  The Wendy's have pushed their sleeves up.  The game is still on.

On My Table

I've got many things on my table right now.  More dolls and some paintings.

Getting back to my Day of the Dead doll pins.  I just started to paint their faces.  I've given the voodoo dolls a rest for the moment.

Necessity is the motherhood of invention.  My makeshift easel is several drawers put together.

As you can see, these paintings are huge.  I don't know if I'll ever work this big again but if I do, I will have to invest in an easel.  I still would like to get a table top one.  I had fun finally getting started.  I always seem to have a problem with that.  But once I did, now I can't wait to keep going.  Will try to have more pics tonight.  They both will be mixed media paintings.

Writing

I'm slowly crawling out of a pit of dread, despair, fear, terror, along with icky squishy things that crawl in the dark.  How's that? It's still gloomy, gray, wet, and cold here but supposedly, things are shaping up for a nice weekend. Come on Mother Nature, give us a big break.

Any hoo, I got up this morning and went through a good deal of my writing material, looking for a particular story that had resurfaced in my tiny mind.  The story had been written over time in bits and pieces and all of a sudden, those pieces were falling into place.  And because I had come up with a key element to really pull the story together, I spent time looking for those bits.

Here's my initial pile.  A few months ago I had pulled out a good deal of my writing, trying to organize things.  At that point I did manage to arrange file folders for my stories by category of adult long and short stories and kid long and short stories.  Well... I'm still arranging but now it's time to get what's hand written onto the laptop, flash drive, and printed out.

Here's everything nice a neat. Each pile is a different story and there are several different stories in each notebook and lots of bits.  Looks like I'll be busy for awhile.  Not a bad way to start off a new week.

Goodbye April

Can you believe it? Again, the month has flown by. Unbelievable. Still working on giving myself some credit on the things I got done and worked on this month and not worrying about what I didn't get done or work on this month. A constant battle this is.

Here's what I did:

• Bless This House quilt top pieces have been put together, working on borders
• worked on blue blouse and collar is attached
• 2 out of 3 commissions done, one commission was pushed back until June
• 2 out of 3 books read
• nothing on edit 5 of Map Hunter I, letting it rest while I work on the next book in the series
• started rough draft of Map Hunter II
• no new dolls, but started painting faces for Day of the Dead ornaments
• fixed my socks and knitted the heels
• started mixed media painting

Now that I look at this list, not bad. Not great. But not bad. You have no idea how hard it is right now for me to say, not bad and be okay with it. I've been given another day. With luck, another month. Yeah. I'll keep at it. Hope you do too.

Been Slacking

Sorry for no new updates.  So here we go.  I had three commissions, one after the other and the fourth was postponed until June.  That kind of threw me for a loop because I was in such a 'go get 'em' mode.  When the adrenaline is coursing through my veins, you just wanted to keep going.  The postponement brought me to a screeching halt and the adrenaline took a nose dive.

Here we go again.  The doubts, fears, and other crap us creative types deal with on a regular basis, decided to body slam me.  Really?  So I told myself that it was time for a break.  That I had been working hard (which is a good thing) but I'm also allowed to take a break.  And I did.  And now, I'm back.  I have another commission to work on.  Two paintings, size 24 x 36.  Huge!  I haven't worked this big since undergrad.  Will this be a challenge?  You bet.  And I'm ready.  I'm getting excited about these paintings.  I got my first degree in art, specializing in watercolor painting.  These paintings will be in acrylic.  Something new to me but I'm raring to go.

I'm back to working on dolls and hope to have pics soon.  Been working on my latest quilt and I'm almost done with my blouse.  I've been working on my kid book series, book two actually.  I thought I was ready to send out book one but when I started working on book two, I noticed that I needed to add some bits to book one so that book two would flow better.  Now I've decided to hold off on putting the series out there until I've got more written.  In the meantime I will work on some shorter stories and put them on a writing website for me.  Stay tuned.

I'm still working on my second pair of socks.  The heels are giving me fits.  This is what I get from not continuing knitting on a regular basis.  That will be remedied too.

Carry on people!!!!!