What the Heck!

Yep!  What the heck?  Where has this year gone?  My head is spinning and the world is upside down.  In thirteen more days it will be the longest day of the year.  And you know what happens after that... the days start getting shorter.  What?  The past couple of weeks have been a bit crazy.  I'm working on catching up on things, like wrapping up May.  That just totally slid by me.  Two commissions and an art show later, I can come up for air.  A bit.  So grab your favorite beverage, your favorite seat and get comfortable.  This may take awhile.  Where do I begin?

Okay, I'll begin with the end of May.  The last day, the 31st, when I realized that I had been out of work for a year and actually survived.  There were times where I did get help from some wonderful people but I didn't give up on my dream of being an artist.  Not starving but severely struggling and that could be a mind thing in itself.  My emotions were all over the place.  Happy because I took a chance.  How many other people do? With several false starts, I forged ahead.  Not knowing where I was going or how things were going to turn out.  Working out a schedule for me that would work for what I wanted to do.  I'm still working on that but I've found out that I write better in the mornings.  I work great with the painting and dolls after lunch.  That's a good thing.  I'm still amazed that I can do that.  Make my own schedule.  Some days I have to chuck it out the window, but it's my schedule.

Happy because I've been creating and working on new designs, even though most didn't work out.  But attempt was there.  I didn't know if they would work or not and the drama between the two Wendy's was epic.  I can't. I can.  I can't.  Oh, just do it and worry about the outcome later.  I even surprised myself when I had to do a cloth doll for a graduation gift.  With very little time to do it.  I couldn't find my old patterns because brilliant me decided to put them in envelopes and file them away.  Far, far away.  They are quite safe.  So, I did what any doller would do.  Made up a new pattern and doll in a day.  I really like this new pattern and I'm trying to figure out what else I can with it.  Got her painted and dressed in the second day.  I really need to figure out how to keep that kind of fire under my butt at all times.  Be able to turn it on and off.  Good Wendy was impressed.   Bad Wendy's head exploded.  For those of you not familiar with The Wendy's, they are my muses and alter egos.  They either encourage me, present bright ideas, or go totally AWOL.

Happy because I've have been in the zone so many times that is was a form of enlightenment.  Pleasure. Excitement.  There were times when I felt like I was flying and when  project was done, I didn't crash and burn like in previous years.  I stepped right into the next thing.  There were times when my brain actually hurt because I was thinking things through.  They say that your brain is a muscle and this past year I have stretched it.  I actually felt it getting stronger.  Neurons reconnecting.

Happy because of the many times I questioned myself and I just didn't give up.  I kept going.  There was always tomorrow.  I was blessed with new days.  Days to start over again if I had to and sometimes, I had to.  Days of being alone and stuck in my studio.  Working on a project through tears because this was my new job.  Something I've always wanted to do.

Happy because no matter how many times I got knocked down (and there were plenty) I got back up.  Sometimes I limped, was bruised, or totally shell shocked.  Always working on not comparing myself to anyone else.  Hard, very hard.  Battling the thoughts that I'm too old to do this or to be published one day.  Realizing that I just have to do it.  Write my stories, craft my dolls because I have to.  Work my butt off because I have to.  Because those things are a part of me, they make me.  To create is to breathe.  And when I don't, I feel a little ill.  Then I pick up clay, or fabric, or a paintbrush, or pen and paper and get going again.  I've painted, sewn, and written through tears.  Will it happen again?  Probably.  But I will keep going.  If anyone ever tells me that I don't work, I will tell them to try it.  And then eat rat turds.

Now the other side of the coin.  There have been times when I would freak myself out, asking if I should get a job.  Then I ask myself, what jobs?  I still beat up and drag myself over hot coals and mountainous terrain.  But not as often as I had been doing.  Am I still afraid at times?  You betcha.  I am getting stronger because this is my creative journey.  If I don't like one path, I can get on another one.  Am I wealthy?  Nope.  Will I be?  I don't know the answer to that either.  But I will have peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment.  No one can take that away from me.  So I guess in a sense, I am wealthy.  Leaving behind things that will make people smile or think.

Well would you look at that?  Not much to the other side of that coin.  I am very proud of myself.  Of what I've done in one year.  Last year I made a deal with myself to at least try.  The deal is still on because this year will be better.  The Wendy's have pushed their sleeves up.  The game is still on.