Saturday, December 3, 2016

Hello December -No Pic Post

I keep saying it. Time flies by whether you're having fun or not. We are into the last month of 2016. And even though the bulk of this year sucked like no one's business, I've decided to turn it around. Taking a look back, I have allowed things to happen to me, waited for things to happen to me and be thoroughly disappointed with the outcomes. If there were any. That hasn't been getting me anywhere I want to be. So instead of waiting for the New Year to make those goofy resolutions which pretty much don't work, I'm working on the change right now. No more living for others (I've probably said that before but it's finally clicking); it's time to start enjoying life. I only get one. At least on this plane of existence. I'm finally ready.

I can talk about things that have hurt me in the past without bursting into tears. Although, a good cry every now and again helps get all the toxins out that have built up. I am working on new projects and working on not worrying about things that I have no control over. It is what it is. Things happen. I can be so upset about those things, crawl under a rock and want to whither away or take a deep breath, see if I can fix things or wait for them to play out. I've got plans now. I'm not afraid to wake up and get my day started. I wake up, give thanks that I've been given another day, and get excited about what I will do.

Excited. I can't remember the last time I've been excited about things that I want to do and have started to do. I love getting back to my watercolor painting. Will it bring in money? I don't know. Maybe one day but right now, I'm learning to work the medium again so that I can get comfortable with it. When I paint, it relaxes me. For an hour I can forget everything else and paint. Then when I'm done, my head is clearer and I can do what really needs to be done. I'm learning that being busy all the time is not necessarily a good thing. Rushing to finish things because I think I'm running out of time. Maybe I am for a few things but my point is is that I'm beginning to enjoy the process. Starting with Step 1, then Step 2 and to not think about the final destination and that it should happen like in five minutes. I have been missing the process. And I tell you, when you take the time for the process of a project, you slow down. Our culture is so on a fast track for everything. But I was happiest when I created work when I enjoyed each step. Sometimes things worked, and sometimes they didn't. When they didn't, I didn't get upset. I reevaluated things and kept going. I'm getting back to that. Slowly but surely it's coming back and it feels great!

And I'm working on curbing the thinking. Sometimes I would think so much on a project that I would think myself into not doing anything. Then I'd beat myself up for not doing anything. Really bad cycle. I still have my lists but they are a lot shorter and if a project takes a little longer than the time I'd given, that's okay.  I'm okay. I am a work in progress and I like that. Growing is a part of living, of being human. And I'm smiling more.

After hitting rock bottom in October, pulling myself out of the hole of despair and self pity in November, I'm ready to rock it in December and 2017. Time to reach for those stars.

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