Maya called me. I guess she sensed my distress. I told her what was going on and she told me not to be so hard on myself. At that time, it hadn't been two weeks since I left the job. Yes I need some income coming in but I also need to create. That's why I quit. And I wasn't giving myself the opportunity to do so. She said that even if I only spend 20 minutes on something new, that's good. Everyday, spend time on something new. Then the rest of the day, I can work on things to get income coming in. That it is okay to do so. She said to stop beating myself up and give myself a chance.
So I mourned my friend and the old Wendy. I'm working on being nicer to me. Us creative types are so hard on ourselves. We are constantly working, thinking up new ideas, working in old and new mediums. Wondering if something will work and then wondering if someone else will like it. When people, usually a non-creative type, comes up to you and says, "Oh, all you do it paint all day (or insert: make dolls, do clay work, take photographs, write)." Short of strangling them, or just smacking the heck out of them you can tell them to try it. All they see is the end result. The finished doll, the pretty picture, the great photo in the frame. They don't know about the time to:
- come up with the idea
- gather supplies
- take notes (waking up at 3 AM, in the shower, on the toilet, eating breakfast, at a stop light, and I can go on)
- take the first step, make the first mark on the white paper, go outside to a field full of spring flowers
- give yourself permission to screw up, because it will happen, over and over again
- try again
- more research
- model, sculpt, paint, put more batteries in camera
- more research
- let things dry, or bake
- deal with angst
I also have to get better at a schedule. The morning is for my new work. I am giving myself permission to work on it. Whether it's ten minutes or 30. That's to create new work. To write new words. After lunch, I can do something that will bring in some income. I am and my work is important enough to give myself permission to do it. It is wonderful. When I think about it, I giggle and shake with joy. Then the real world tries to creep in and say that I shouldn't have fun while everyone else is toiling away at jobs they don't like. So I pull a move like the one Hulk did to Thor and just knock out the not-so-fun thoughts.
I have everything I need to create. I will continue to work on my attitude and tell myself that I am worthy. To create. I'm sure I'll over think something else, and lose my mind on something insignificant because I am human. Then I will have a creative explosion.
Right now, I am okay. Life is too short not to be happy or creative. Besides, I have friends who will keep me in check. I'm noticing these weird looks from them when I don't give myself enough credit. So I will have to keep my big girl underpants on, safety pin my cape, and seize the day. Throw some clay around and mark up some paper. One day at a time.